"Tell me more about Keynsham... (I don't want to talk about it...)"

KEYNSHAM is a town in North Somerset, between Bath and Bristol on the A4. It's where I grew up and because of this, and other surprising associations with the place, I tried to register 'Keynsham' as my Demon Internet domain name. Amazingly, someone got there first.

One of my favourite bands is Portishead and according to an old record company biography, (i.e. probably untrue) Beth Gibbons used to live in Keynsham.

Keynsham's widest claim to fame was Horace Batchelor who advertised his football pools system on Radio Luxembourg. Because Keynsham isn't pronounced as it's written (what self-respecting English place name is?), he had to spell out his postal address K - E - Y...

It was Horace Batchelor's radio adverts that inspired the Bonzo Dog Band to name their 1969 album after it. On it there is a fine little song also titled 'Keynsham' by Neil Innes...

Lipstickgleamhexachlorafine,
CLING CLING THE RING; CLING
CLANG CLANG SHE SANG.
It's TRAGIC MAGIC? There are no co-incidences.
But sometimes the pattern is MORE OBVIOUS.

The album's sleevenotes - which I assume were written by Vivian Stanshall - include the following delicious bits of nonsense...

In the dental-white district of Keynsham stands the Thermometer Zoo. The ferocious bushy-faced villagers of Keynsham hate the inmates of the Thermometer Zoo & as they go about their work, the wet sacks jingling on their humped chests, they glare angrily up at the grey-stone buildings high on the slopes of the Silver Mountain outside the walls. They dream of the day when they will draw the Leg from its scabbard & push it up the slopes of the Silver Mountain & break the walls of the grey-stone building. And then they will use their chests to buffet & their teeth to Bite, & their tongues to touch.

...

In Keynsham there is a great shouting near the gate. One of the dwarfs has caught a fox. It is the first time he has tasted flesh for many days because of the Smell. A crowd gathers to watch him poke the greasy segments through the curved lips of his mask...

...

"Transmogrify" the jackals speak,
The worms are feeding on our cheeks;
"Transmute" the time flies quickly past,
And Keynsham arms with lies & masks.

The Odd Boy didn't like games & especially the idea of competing against the 'other chaps'. The other chaps?

Great red-faced ruffians with scratched knees, who boasted that they already 'had' to shave. So what? He ought to. After all his father had been a tremendous sportsman, well-liked, admired & cups to prove it. Long photographs. (Harry Maynard had run like anything, under the benches, to get in twice). Look at him now. Still as strong as an ox. Arms like tree-trunks or was it legs? Hadn't done him any harm. So what?

The Odd Boy liked only to read & draw. Yes, that was really lovely. To read. Especially on days when he had a 'note'. How exciting to be left alone. On sticky summer days his excuse would usually be hay-fever which he really did get a bit of. Then; although it was silly with hay-fever I mean; he'd go & sit under a tree & pretend to read something worthwhile while the cricket-bats picked & pocked. Sometimes he made a flute from a special plant to charm the wasps; but mainly he wondered what was the point of all that pulling & puffing & howzatting.

Around the walls of Keynsham was a vast track where men of different colours ran against each other & took showers.

...

From Keynsham a hideous throng rush out; fierce with feathers, masked & painted, reeking of waters; sheep-like on all fives. First the Beserks, scarred, gargantuan, drugged with roots; stamping & biting on their shields, feverish with hate. Next the contortionists, greased & expectant. Now come the Apostates with shaven heads & faces grey with asheesh, singing sweetly & complaining with censers of myrrh & towing huge wardrobes from which they choose new veils. (Singing & swinging in a rhesus proboscis way). Between their skirts run the Dwarfs & Defecators & Dylantines endlessly quoting in the wake of the Vegetable Normopaths who sow the Earth with asterisks that the Children of If may harvest Boredom. The Amputees lining the route are excited & their truncated capers & squeals signify .... Most Glorious of All ... the Coming of the Leg!

check out Words of Innespiration for more on Neil Innes and the Bonzo Dog web site for more information, lyrics and sleevenotes.

Some more Keynshamish things...

A Crop Circle at Compton Dando, Nr Keynsham, North Somerset.
well who can resist a good crop circle? Catch the Last Train to Compton Dando...

Keynsham Mummers Play

Images of Keynsham
Somerset County Council pages. Keynsham used to be in Somerset. Then it was in Avon. Now it's in the bizarrely named Bath and North East Somerset. N.B. Thanks to Ashley Booth for the digital images of Keynsham on this page.