Play transcript - part 2

[OneWay CD 2 track 5]

Pepperman: So as I understand it, the grounds for divorce are mutual neglect.

Walter: That's right. We eh, we work different shifts you see. Lulu does 'night work'.

Pepperman: Then why isn't she here now? It's broad daylight! How can I be expected to divorce you successfully, or even get a separation, if you won't stay together in one room?! We still have to Polaroid Mrs Stapleton's teeth!

Haig: Yes, I, I've got the camera here!

Blint: I - er - just popped up to see if I was disturbing you...

Pepperman: To be frank Mr Blint: You are! He he, there you are Mrs Stapleton - yes! If it's money you're after, I'm willing to rent your hole (AHHHHH!) for an agreed period.

Blint: Oh no ! - I was just telling Mrs Stapleton about the piano and the wind. I also mentioned that though my musical orientation is more Bach than Beach Boys, I do take an interest in the world of popular music. I'm something of an expert, but can be fallible. I remember being very surprised by Gene Chandler and the 'Duke of Earl'. I never saw that as chart material. The lyrics meant little to me: 'Duke, Duke, Duke, Duke of Earl, Duke Duke, Duke; - Duke, Duke, Duke of Earl...'

(Blint continues reciting the lyrics under the next dialogue)

Haig: Would you smile please, Mrs Stapleton?

Lulu: Smile? Me? What about?

Pepperman: Not about anything! We need documentation!

Haig: (trying to handle the camera) How do these bloody things focus?

(FX Camera shutter)

Walter: I've never seen her smile before - I'm not sure that I like it...

Haig: (the photo coming out of the Polaroid slips into the goldfish bowl) Sorry Roland! It seems to be developing in spite of everything...

Pepperman: You can stop smiling now Mrs Stapleton. It's getting on my nerves!

Blint: (ending his monotonous mumbling of 'Duke of Earl') They didn't grab me. On the other hand, I was the first to recognize at the 'At the Hop' as a chart-bound sound. You see Danny and the Juniors had a... Well, never mind. I see that I'm distracting you from your work - and me from MINE!

(There is a loudhailer in the background telling people to evacuate the area).

Walter: That's what me dad used to say: 'The feast is more than enough'.

Pepperman: Now, if all relevant parties will sign the Polaroid...
(Goldfish FX)

Lulu: (in the background with her husband trying to write down 'Stapleton') How do you spell 'Stapleton', Walter ?

Walter: (also in the backgound) Here's, now with an 'S' - that's right - 'T' - 'A' - 'P' - eh no : 'P'...

Pepperman: How can I be expected to carry on in an orderly fasion, if in addition to Mr Blint and his hole (AHHHHH!) - or attic - I'm consistently distracted by your goldfish, Mr Haig! Have you no control over this goldfish, or was this golfish installed deliberately to distract?

Walter: I think he just wants to get out...

(FX: Distant honking of horns)

Pepperman: And so do we all! I never wanted to come in! But how can I concentrate with one eye on a demented goldfish, and the other on some crank downstairs, who talks about the wind and his piano?! Wind and pianos are not the issue!

Haig: Yeah, I'm sorry about Roland. My - my secretary forgot to remind me to feed him. I'll give him a snifter of what I'm having; that usually works with me. Now, that's better. Now, where was I - erm - where were you - erm - where was everybody?

(FX Blint coming up in his lift)

Blint: This attic is exactly seventeen points south west of the pyramid, of which you've doubtless seen photographs.

Haig: Mr Blint, we're trying to sort something out. If you'd like to take a seat and listen quietly by all means do so, if you don't, don't.

Blint: No, it's not that. I just wanted to point out that pyramids are similar to icebergs, which are basically E-flat. What you see in these photographs is only the tip of the pyramids, whereas it's a matter of record that pyramids continue endlessly downwards till they come out of the other end as the top of deserts. Deserts beeing one of the few places where you don't get much FIRE or FLOODING.

Pepperman: We are not here to discuss fire, flooding or 'E-flats'!

Blint: In that case I leave you to weightier matters - would you like me to calm your goldfish, Mr Haig ?

Haig: Roland can take care of himself, he always has...

Blint: On your own head be it.

Lulu: The fish ! Look at it !

(FX: faint breaking glass)

Pepperman: He's jumped out of the window!

Haig: Help God ! Poor old Roland...

Walter: That's life: Gone today, gone tomorrow... (Song: Cool, Cool, Cool)

Your life is over (so is mine)
You've been seen floating down the river
round the river
bend

You've been seen with someone else
lately I've been told
funny how that kind of news
can somehow leave you
cold

No bones were broken
but give it time
I'll be found floating down the river
with the matchwood, the driftwood
and Harry the Horse
knifed in the back
in the revolving doors

all those words of love unspoken
lying tongue-tied and frozen
choking back these lines

It's cool, cool, cool in the morning
and it's cool, cool, cool at night
it's cool, cool, cool in the evening yeah

it's cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool
it's cool, cool, cool at...

daylight is over, night-time is on its way

like a cat on a hot tin roof
like a mouse on the run from the owl
when you're caught like a rat
in the empty top hat of the night
even shadows have shadows
and a long silhouette
all the black notes of pianos
play strange cadenza

[OneWay CD2, track 7]

Blint: It's not a good omen when goldfish commit suicide.

[OneWay CD2, track 8]

(Song: Cool, Cool, Cool reprise)
It's cool, cool, cool in the morning
and it's cool, cool, cool at night
it's cool, cool, cool in the evening yeah
it's cool, cool, cool, cool,
cool, cool it's cool, cool, cool at...

(FX: A human body crashes throught the window into the office)

Haig: Veronica! How many times have I told you not to disturb me at the office?

Walter: She doesn't look too well, Mr Haig.

Pepperman: If my experience is anything to go by, and it is, this woman is dead!

Lulu: Call a doctor!

Walter: Oh I'll get your skirt, love, it's it's blown off. You'll catch a death standing this draft.

Pepperman: The phone's gone dead!

Haig: And so's Veronica! (sob) We've had our ups and downs, but I never thought that it would come to this. I reckoned a cruise to the Canaries would do her good, set her mind at rest.

Walter: And she's taken every precaution: she's wearing her life belt...

  [OneWay CD2, track 10]

(Song: Sailor)

Sailor I love you
but you only love the sea
sailor what's happening to me?

like a ship in a bottle
you ache for the sea
sailor, ache a little for me

I'll haunt every harbour 'til the sea decides
if our love goes in or out with the tide
I'll still be here when the ocean's dried
oh sailor, you're still my man

sailor I love you
but you only love the sea
sailor why don't you love me
love me?

[OneWay CD2, track 11]

Pepperman: Are you telling me that this woman has been blown off some yacht?

Haig: It's the only rational explanation!

Pepperman: For goodness sake! Somebody block up that window, I can't hear myself think!

Haig: If we push these two filing cabinets over to the right...

Walter: Oh I, eh -push - yes I'm pushing...

Lulu: Hurry up Walter, I'm freezing!

Pepperman: There is still a very nasty gap at the top, Mr Haig. I can't operate with hailstones flying round me!

Haig: I think my wife may be just the ticket. If you take the feet Mr Stapleton...

Walter: She looks strangely peaceful. You know what my dad said on his death bed?

Haig: As a matter of fact, no!

Walter: I'll forget his last words. He looked at me and said: 'I'm, er, I'm not dead y...'. I think he was trying to tell me something. Those fire engines can't get through the water, can they ?

Haig: It's all rather odd. I mean - what's an oil rig doing in the West End?

Walter: Oh look at that Lulu, Big Ben's on fire!

Lulu: Ah oui! It is very pretty!

Walter: But that wave should put it out - ha, ha! - What did I tell ya?

Haig: Veronica!

Pepperman: For God's sake get that corpse back on that filing cabinet: there's water everywhere! Why was I not informed about this water? I've had enough for today! Come on Mrs Stapleton, I'll drop you back.

(Distant explosion FX)

Lulu: In your big black Rolls Royce?

Pepperman: Yes! What else?

Lulu: It just blew up! 'Puff' it went!

Pepperman: God in heaven! Persecuted personally for two thousand years, and now this! It's a pogrom!

Walter: It looks more like an earthquake. Did you notice something ?

Pepperman: Certainly! It's in fifty thousand pieces! Fifty thousand tiny hand-tooled pieces!

Walter: No I, I, I meant a while back, when Mr Blint played his piano downstairs - it all went quiet.

Blint: That's very perceptive of you Mr Stapleton, and rather unexpected in a G-major.

Pepperman: The world's falling apart and you talk about G-majors?

Blint: Yes. I've been trying to tell you for some time about my concerto, and how the pyramids link up with seventeen. By the look of things outside, I'd better work out that awkward transition in the last movement. It's quite a tricky exercise to blend fire and water effectively.

Haig: Don't rush away Mr Blint - have a drink! (slurps) We're only just getting to know you. What's all the stuff about firewater and your piano?

Blint: I've no time to explain that now! I could have told you when I popped up before to enquire about the lady's underwear and offered to calm your goldfish. But you had more important things to do - so have I - now. I wonder if there is an after life? I've given it a great deal of thought, read a fair share of learned tomes, but have yet to come down on one side or the other. It's getting very dark, isn't it? Either the evenings are drawing in with the advent of summer, or the clouds and smoke are obscuring the sun. Personally, I plump for the latter.

Lulu: Don't leave us Monsiuer Blint. I give you a nice massage - French even...

(fx Blint going down in his lift)

Blint: No thank you! I be grateful if you don't all peer at me down my hole. It's most distracting, and er - I don't want to nail up my tarpaulin - yet.

Pepperman: Let's get some lights on. And what the hell is that ?

Walter: He's started up some machine...

Haig: I think something must be happening! Let's look at the television.

Walter: Yes, I like to keep informed.

Omnes: SHHHH!

TV-Announcer: ...there will be no further cuts in the defence budget, which he described as more than adequate. In an atmosphere, which was described as constructive, world leaders continued to discuss the worsening weather situation. A joint commuiqué is expected later today.

(Howling wind FX, harmonica plays 'Silent Night', and a choir builds up over it)

Voice: Pull yourself together, soldier!

Australian soldier: (writing a letter) My dearest Debbie! This is just to let you know that things are looking a trifle bleak. It's hard in a way fight something you can't see. I just want you to know, Debbie dear, I love you and always will; I'm not writing this, my old mate Jimbo is doing that 'cos he's still got his arms. Then, I'm lucky 'cos I've got me legs. I'd better close now darling, 'cause I think I'm going to die. Cherio Love!

[OneWay CD2, track 12 'Mobilization']

(Music - ?Russian? voices.
American miltary radio: This is (???) Global Three, do you read me (???) Zero?
Loud and clear you black asshole, it's FUBAR
Do you have a read out on the (???) ATC?
Negatory, we're taking a lot of Soviet wind or it could be Chinese.
British officer: Good God, Hawkins, look at that cloud.
British soldier: Is it one of our's or one of their's, sir?
British officer: It really doesn't matter now, Hawkins, just follow the orders.

[OneWay CD2, track 13]

(FX: TV goes dead)

Lulu: ...like the Rolls, Puff he went.

Pepperman: Try the other channels!

Haig: There's nothing on any of them.

Lulu: They all disappeared!

Pepperman: This is chaos! There is no television! Will somebody tell me what the ground rules are in this situation?!

Haig: Well, I think the best way to deal with it, is to remain very calm. (slurp) On the face of it, and this is just an educated guess, we seem to be approaching the end of the world as we know it.

Lulu: So what do we do ? My hair is such a mess!

Walter: Do what the gentleman says, love: Stay calm. There's no chicken without a stone...

Pepperman: How can I stay calm when the whole building's shaking?

Haig: We stay calm by simply thinking about something soothing. Let's all think of the sea, of the gentle eddies and... - I DON'T WANNA DIE, I DON'T WANNA DIE, MR BLINT, MR BLINT!

Pepperman: I can corroborate that he does not want to die Mr Blint, he does not want to die and neither do I want to die Mr Blint - Jesus!

Lulu: The lights have gone!

Blint: Having one's own generator is quite a blessing at times like these. The lighting's quite adequate downstairs. I'm a reasonably skilled electrician. I was once asked to turn professional, but I don't think I would have enjoyed the publicity. I've always been rather a private person. I'd better start on the tarpaulin for the hole (AHHHHH!). It needs nailing pretty firmly to the floor. (SORT OF ANTI-AHHHHH NOISE). I brought up a couple of torches. I thought they might be handy.

Haig: Thank you very much Mr Blint. I'm sorry about that screaming, it's hereditary.

Blint: Not at all! Feel free to scream.

Pepperman: Mr Blint, I have a confession to make. I'm a stereotype and always have been a stereotype. I'm not ashamed of it and I'm not proud of it. The whole thing is not an issue to me. Can I ask you quite openly, as one human being to another to help me - to help us all for my own sake?

[OneWay CD2, track 14 'Please, Please, Please']

(Song: 'Please, Please'. The other characters plead with Blint.)

Haig: I have a lot of very useful connections, I really would be extremely grateful if I could in any way assist.

Pepperman: I know money is a dirty word, but it's very nice to have, and I'll give you anything I have within my possession.

Walter: I'd introduce you to me dad, but he's, er, gone. But I'll take you to the grave.

[OneWay CD2, track 15]

Lulu: Won't you please help us ?

Blint: With what?

Walter: Oh, this weather is dreadful! It's on days like these that I'm glad my dad's not alive to witness it...

Blint: If it's a matter of quelling the elements, I'm really the man to turn to! You could almost call it a hobby horse of mine. I think this tarpaulin should hold out most of the debris. My calculations show that the building will tend to fall outwards from the inside rather than vice versa.

Lulu: You have worked all this out?

Blint: Oh yes! I've always been very meticulous about being prepared, ever since Rosie was taken. You remember my little discourse on the inverted pyramid?

Haig: Oh yes! I was absolutely fascinated. About it being, er - HEEEELP!

(FX: Building starting to fall apart)

Blint: If we take this goldfish bowl to represent the world, and as a rough guidline assume that Mr Pepperman's nose is a pyramid, we can see how much my theory works out in practice. Put your nose in the bowl, Mr. Pepperman...

Pepperman: ...delighted, only too delighted - ouh...

Blint: Now, If we take the air to be sand, and the water to be air, you'll notice that only the tip of the nose is theoretically visible, whereas you can see there is a great deal more to Mr Pepperman than his nose.

Walter: I never thought of it that way, it's uncanny.

Blint: And by a rough calculation, just -er- shine the torch on his trousers here, would you ? - This area is the Gobi dessert.

Walter: And your music does something to weather because of SEVENTEEN?

(the noise of the weather stopps apruptly)

Blint: Well, that's not the totality of the concept, but you're getting warm. I must get some more nails...

Pepperman: Naturally!

Blint: If you want to join me, you'd better jump...

Pepperman: JUMP?

Haig: JUMP?

Walter: JUMP?

Lulu: I don't understand - what is it he can do ?

Walter: I don't know, love. You can't bend muck...

Pepperman: If we get out of this alive, I promise to give up smoking (drags)

Haig: And I'll never drop another touch of drink...

(music swells and ends on 'Honolulu Lulu' theme)

(FX More building collapses)

Pepperman: I'll go first! I'll go first!

Blint: Yes Mr Pepperman! Your body will form a nice soft cushion for the later fallers.

Lulu: (now jumping!) Here I am coming... PARDON!

Blint: (watching Lulu while she is falling) Yes! Definately black!

Walter: After you Mr Haig! There's - there's nothing in my manual about gliding indoors...

Haig: Give me a shove, there's a good chap; I've never been good in falling down... (jumps) - My whisky's broken!

Walter: Well I have just to improvise. Better take a run at it.

Pepperman: Don't just dangle there!

Walter: I've got me wings caught on the edges...

Blint: Might I suggest raising your arms to a vertical position?

Walter: (falling) Oh, my...

Blint: I can use your wings to reinforce my tarpaulin, which I'd better fix now.

Pepperman: If it helps in any way, I am to blame for everything. Everything that has ever going wrong in the world is my fault! I did the crucifixion personally, I bought the nails, I acted alone, there was no conspiracy, Hiroshima was my idea, I accept full responsibility, and I'm willing to atone for my sins in any way and put it in writing.

Blint: Er - shut up!

Pepperman: If my shutting up is of any assistance, then I'm only to willing to do so.

Blint: I'll just see if all my papers are in order and bring my diary up to date. 'Six minutes past eleven: diary brought up to date: Further destruction of remaining office buildings; Attic collapsing; tarpaulin in place.' As a G-major, Mr Stapleton: You handle the baton.

Walter: But I've never conducted anything...

Blint: All you have to do is to tap with authority and then wave... Can you read music, madame?

Lulu: I have never studied...

Blint: Just turn the pages when I nod. And you Mr Pepperman can lead the applause when the solo pianist enters.

Pepperman: But you're here already.

Blint: You'll have to imagine me entering - Mr Haig will do the commentary.

Haig: Well, I ? - Oh yes, so I will !

Blint: Start tapping your baton, Mr Stapleton.

Haig: The lights dim, there is an expectant thrush in the audience as we wait for the entry of Mr Blint. And here he comes now. The audience bursts into spontaneous applause...

Pepperman: Bravo Mr Blint, bravo!

Walter: Ooh do you look smart, Mr Blint, in that lovely (? ?)

Haig: Hip, hip hurray! - He's seated now and almost ready to begin...

Blint: Lead me in with a count of SEVENTEEN, Mr Stapleton, then wave your baton.

Walter: Yes -ehm- oh - eh - ONE, two, three, four...

[LP Side 6, OneWay CD2, track 16 'Blint's Tune Movements 1-17']

Walter: ...five, (counting faster) six, seven, eight ... sixteen, SEVENTEEN...

Instrumental music - Blint's Theme

THE END

© 2008 Giles Booth / OtherMachines