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05:20 Shipping Forecast
Nappies and motorbikes. Rising. Good.

06:20 Today
Posh bird tries to finish over-running interviews by repeating the first syllable of guest’s name. Humphries harrumphs. Sport bloke makes joke which falls flat as no-one else on the programme gives a toss about sport.

11:30 With Great Pleasure…
…I hurl the radio out of the window because I hate my middle class Le Creuset-pan-and-Dualit-toaster existence. Well, I tried but the DAB radio got snagged on its mains lead and it only got as far as the quarry-tiled floor.

12:30 Smug, Unsmug
With our host, Nigel Smug.

18:15 Loose Ends
This week Ned’s guests include comedy duo Toss and Pott, fresh from their sell-out Edinburgh Fringe show. Plus music from jazz trio Chisolm, currently appearing at Pizza on the Park.

01:00 As BBC World Service
Thank heavens, now I can get some proper sleep.