Okay, I admit it.

I'm a Microsoft Slut.

First it was Outlook Express - I mean it just, like, does the job, you know. It does everything I need from an e-mail program, no more no less. It is quite unlike it's evil fat sphinx-like bigger cousin, Outlook. Outlook is bonkers - there are at least 7 different ways of performing any task in Outlook, mostly involving right-clicking and shoving two fingers up your backside while whistling the Star-spangled Banner.

Then Internet Explorer 5 - ah IE5. I actually like the Aqua-style buttons. My copy hasn't quit unexpectedly on me yet. (By the way, is there ever an 'Application quit expectedly' dialog box? It could say 'Well frankly the way it was hogging your system resources we were surprised it didn't go belly up hours ago!').

I also love IE5 for Macintosh because I am possibly the first person on the planet to spot its JavaScript time bug - it reports the time as being an hour behind what it really is. This is a minor inconvenience more than compensated for by the smugness this affords me.

And now I've seen Office 98 - oh dear, Claris Works could be getting the heave-ho.

It's not just being able to bring Word and Excel documents home from work - it (oh the shame of it!) - it's the OFFICE ASSISTANT.

Now don't get me wrong - I hate that f&^*ing paperclip as much as the next gun-toting psychopath. A video game that involved killing the little prancing metal pillock in a variety of hideous ways would find a buyer with me.

But the Mac version with its computer on legs is sooo cute. He turns himself into a Rubik cube. He wiggles his toes! He even wiggles his toes! (Perhaps fatherhood is getting to me...)

But my point is this: sure, Microsoft is the evil empire, sure their software is bloated... but to me they were always a software company. I used to love my copy of Word 2 for DOS that sat on one 5.25 inch floppy on my PC. Word is a damn fine word processor. Excel was the original Mac spreadsheet program. It's just operating systems that Microsoft should be kept away from.

So - run Microsoft software on a Mac. Have the best of both worlds. Think smug.