How to Win Eurovision

As soon as I heard Mans Zelmerlow’s ‘Heroes’, I knew it was going to win Eurovision. Or to be more accurate, as soon as I saw it I knew it would win. It was the smart graphics and animation that won it for Sweden, along with a catchy pop tune.

The United Kingdom’s recent record in Eurovision is something of a national embarrassment. Luckily, I think I may have the answer.

If the smart animation won in 2015 for Mr Zelmerlow, let’s go one better and dispense with the human being and put up a cartoon character, Gorillaz-style, in 2016. It could be carried around on a portable screen and be shown laughing, crying, necking virtual white plonk in the green room and so on. It would be so cute, everyone would vote for it.

But what theme for the song?

I’ve been thinking about this. What unites Europe but also reflects our individuality and differences at the same time?

I’ll tell you what.


Every nation has its own cheese. And we all love cheese. But all our cheeses reflect our national characters: the crumbly solidity of Lancashire or Cheddar, the soft sensuality of a ripe Camembert, the efficient deliciousness of a Gruyère. It would also help get the French back on board who had a complete nightmare in 2015.

So, introducing GBR’s 2016 Eurovision winner MR CHEESE with ‘We are united by our cheese! / woooa-oh-a-oh!’. Or Monsieur Fromage. Or Sr Queso. We can internationalise the funk out of this one.

Failing that, we need to call on Mr Neil Innes to save us:

Or just send Portishead doing Machine Gun. Just to see the expression on everyone’s faces:

Portishead – Machine Gun from Mintonfilm on Vimeo.

(If someone with artistic talent cares to knock up a Mr Cheese – or Sr Queso – sketch for me, I’ll be happy to put it on here).

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