Monthly Archive for April, 2008

An Imagined Affair - Part 1

Published
by
blogmywiki
on April 30, 2008
in fiction
. 2 Comments

(A SKETCH IN THREE PARTS)

Kevin is an out-of-work actor, Martin works in publishing. They are both in their late 30s.

PART ONE
Interior, cheap London cafe.

MARTIN: Hello? Er, are you Kevin?
KEVIN: Yes, that’s me. Always try to be early, put my clients at rest.
MARTIN: (sitting down) Good. So… how does this work?
KEVIN: We have lunch…
MARTIN: …and?
KEVIN: Well, as you’ll know from our advert, at Safe Encounters we provide a service. A service to all kinds of people, men and women, but usually married people - you are married?
MARTIN: Yes, eight years.
KEVIN: Good. As I say, a service. We offer you all the excitement and intrigue of… (whispers) having an affair - (louder) without actually having it.
MARTIN: (unsure)…okay…
KEVIN: You’ll be surprised. Just try this for one day, spend a quick lunch here with me, and I guarantee you’ll sign up for the whole course.
MARTIN: …or my money back?
KEVIN: Yes!
MARTIN: Hmm. No offence, but I’m a straight bloke. How am I going to get excited about meeting you for lunch once a week? Can’t you send an attractive young lady - can’t I pretend to have an affair with her?
KEVIN: Lord, no. I’m afraid - no offence - you’re missing the point rather.
MARTIN: Oh. Am I?
KEVIN: Yes. This is a zero-risk operation.
MARTIN: Eh?
KEVIN: Have you ever had an affair?
MARTIN: (wistfully) No. Never even snogged anyone at the Christmas party.
KEVIN: Well then you can’t begin to imagine the pain, the hurt - do you have children?
MARTIN: Yes, two…
KEVIN: Well you’d be insane to put that at risk. Insane. Zero-risk is the only way to go…
MARTIN: But as I say, if you were female…
KEVIN: Not possible. If any friends or colleagues saw you with a woman - not your wife - they’d assume you were having an affair. If your wife found out, even just about lunch, she’d have some awkward questions for you… at Safe Encounters we carefully match clients with facilitators - we match for age and gender - anyone seeing you with me will assume I’m a business associate or and old school or university friend.
MARTIN: Ok. So how do I get my kicks, then? (suddenly embarrassed) Not to put too fine a point on it.
KEVIN: We’ll construct an affair. You choose a name for your object of desire, and as all Safe Encounters staff are trained actors or writers, we’ll flesh it out, we’ll work together - you’re a writer?
MARTIN: Journalist. Trade rags mostly…
KEVIN: Perfect. I’m an actor. We’ll work together to create a hyper-real fantasy that you’ll take away with you. It will stay with you long after you leave this table.
MARTIN: I don’t know…
KEVIN: The benefits will be enormous. Many of our clients find that they have improved self-esteem. They become more confident, even more interesting to their friends, colleagues and even partners. (leaning in) More attractive, even…
MARTIN: I’ll give it a go…
KEVIN: Good. We need a name. Always start with the name…
MARTIN: Can’t we start with the shoes?
KEVIN: Eh?
MARTIN: (without hesitation) Constance. Constance Breakwater.
KEVIN: What?
MARTIN: Constance Breakwater.
KEVIN: Okay, odd name, but that’s fine, it’s your movie - just one thing I need to check - she’s not a real person, is she? It’s vitally important that you don’t base your fantasy on anyone real, just in case…
MARTIN: No, she’s not real. Not with a name like that.
KEVIN: Good. I had a client once… well, never mind. So, this Constance Breakwater. Tell me about her.
MARTIN: She’s a graphic designer. No, too close to home. She’s a photographer. From Cornwall.
KEVIN: Good. What does she look like, how old..?
MARTIN: 23.
KEVIN: Oooh, okay, bit young, but I’ll let you get away with that. Just…
MARTIN: If I say ‘leggy blonde’ that’s too obvious I suppose.
KEVIN: A bit. It works better if you keep some grip on… reality…
MARTIN: No, you’re right I’d never get a leggy blonde… okay, she’s… redhead. Gamine. Can I have gamine?
KEVIN: I’m not entirely sure…
MARTIN: …you know what that means?
KEVIN: Er, frankly no.
MARTIN: Hang on, I’ll look it up on my laptop - pretend we’re discussing that PowerPoint presentation we need to get finished by Friday…
KEVIN: Heh heh, good one.
MARTIN: (tapping keys) - Here we go… ‘a girl with mischievous or boyish charm’.
KEVIN: Ok, I like that.
MARTIN (wistfully): So do I.
KEVIN: Excellent… so how did you meet?
MARTIN: Work?
KEVIN: Ok. That’s fine - as this is just a fantasy.
MARTIN: Yes. Just a fantasy. (swallowing food) Wouldn’t do this in real life, of course… in fact my father-in-law once told me - in a drunken moment - that you should never have an affair with anyone you work with or anyone who has less to lose than you do.
KEVIN: Wise man, your father-in-law.
MARTIN: Quite. Rather generous advice seeing as I was about to marry his only daughter.
KEVIN: You and Constance…
MARTIN: Met through work, she was in for a shoot… I vaguely knew her… artier work from an exhibition, got talking… she invited me to a private view of her next show.
KEVIN: Good… and you went along?
MARTIN: Yes. Summer evening. Drank a bit too much warm white wine on an empty stomach, stayed on until the end…
KEVIN: And one thing led to another?
MARTIN: What do you take me for? Not that night… just a… clinch.
KEVIN: Very good, see you’re getting into this already.
MARTIN: I was tempted, so very tempted. But confused. And clearly a bit too drunk so - kicking myself - I left her alone in her gallery and went home.
KEVIN: Full of regret?
MARTIN: Yes - couldn’t stop thinking about her, though…
KEVIN: Good. I think - forgive me - that this is a good place to pause.
MARTIN: Oh.
KEVIN: Trust me.
MARTIN: (sarcastic) ‘You’re an actor’.
KEVIN: Take this away with you - I want you to think about her, about your - ‘clinch’ was it?
MARTIN: Yes.
KEVIN: Good word, that.
MARTIN: I know. It’s my job.
KEVIN: Think about her, how sweet her lips tasted, this forbidden fruit… and I’ll see you next week.
MARTIN: (distant) yes… next week… okay… (pause) One more thing.
KEVIN: Yes?
MARTIN: …about the name. ‘Safe Encounters’
KEVIN: Yes?
MARTIN: Bit gay. No offence…

Ugly Bloke

Published
by
blogmywiki
on April 27, 2008
in fiction
. 4 Comments

(A short story. Sorry.)

What is it with beautiful women and ugly blokes?

You’ve heard that before, right - some stand-up or other? But it truly happens and it makes me crazy with fury and rage at the injustice of it.

Take the 9.23. I took the 9.23. Every day. I used to see this couple sitting in my carriage on the 9.23. He was - anyone would agree with me - an ugly bloke. His physique was nothing special. His face suggested that he’d sprung forth by some process of spontaneous generation from the lower layers of silt at the bottom of the gene pool. At least you’d think that if you saw him on his own - but he wasn’t on his own, was he?

No, he was always sitting next to his girlfriend (surely not wife) - the not-quite-domestic goddess. In her late 30s, I’m guessing no kids, dripping in Boden, her long dark hair framing her perfect face and lips that would kiss… she looked a bit Nigella-ish to be sure, but less playful, less - oh I don’t know…. less obvious.

I was bewitched. Maddened. Intrigued. Every morning there they were, every morning I was trying to figure out exactly what she saw in him. His repartee? Nothing doing there. His wealth? The shoes and watch say no. Good in bed? That must be it. Bastard. Lucky, lucky bastard. I hate you. I wish bad things upon you. I want you out of her life. I want her for myself.

let us prayThen one day he got on the train with his arm in plaster. After that he wasn’t on the train so much. I still saw her though, every day at 9.23 she pitched up just in time. She was what Jerry Seinfeld would call a ‘close stander’. I must have taken the spot on the platform that she had decided long ago was the optimal point to stand. I was always there long before her, and always - even if the platform was fairly empty - she would stand unfeasibly close to me. And then when we got on the train she always walked right, I always walked left.

Then I never saw him on the train again. Not once.

Last week, I was wandering home in the twilight and saw him ahead of me. Ugly bloke. Ugly bloke more dishevelled than normal, shuffling down my street with a handful of old carrier bags.

Walking up my path. Knocking on my door.

Cats - a cautionary tale

Published
by
blogmywiki
on April 25, 2008
in Uncategorized
. 0 Comments

Cats. And the consequences of cats. Listen, watch and learn:
http://climbtothestars.org/archives/2008/04/24/the-neighbours-cat-won/

FFS

Published
by
blogmywiki
on April 24, 2008
in music
. 2 Comments

Apparently the new Portishead album - which I love - is ‘depressing’ and ’scary’. What the hell did anyone expect? An album of Aqua covers? The song from Lazy Town?!? FFS…

They tried to change the world with their fake theremin!

Published
by
blogmywiki
on April 22, 2008
in music
. 0 Comments

I love Portishead. I bought their first single ‘Numb’ in a record shop (remember them?) in Greenwich purely on the strength of the name of the band - I knew nothing about them. Then I saw them live twice, once in a tiny club on Regent Street just before they got big. I even liked their second album. But I didn’t hold out much hope for album number three - ten year wait. Admirable though this work rate is - 3 albums in 14 years - they did seem to have become a bit ‘up’ themselves.

Listening to Third for the first time now on last.fm, it’s clearly a fantastic record. Their second album was too much like the first - this new one is pleasingly bonkers. There are real drums, there are synthesizers, there are drum machines… and banjos! ‘The Rip’ is utterly beautiful, and ‘Machine Gun’ sounds much more delicate (and brutal at the same time, if that makes any sense) than it did on Jools Holland.
Portishead – The Rip

File under jazz. File under psychedelic. File under folk. File under Jefferson Airplane. File under Joy Division. But on no account file under ‘trip hop’.

Why I’m Voting for Ken

Published
by
blogmywiki
on April 19, 2008
in Uncategorized
. 2 Comments

Until a few days ago, I had no idea if I was going to vote for Boris or Ken. I don’t really want either of them to win, but despite never having voted Tory in my life, I was tempted to vote for Boris. Why? Because it would be quite funny watching him fuck things up so royally. He’d fuck them up so badly it would, eventually, be bad enough even to wipe that silly impish grin off his face.

I know he plays up his buffoonery, I know he’s not as stupid as he’d like us to believe, but he’s clearly out of his depth. I’ve only watched one debate but Ken wiped the floor with him rather neatly, I thought. Studio floor came up lovely. That mop of blond hair is clearly good for something.

Then I read Charlie Brooker’s very funny Guardian column on why he’s voting for Ken, and that helped sway me. That and the fact that if the Evening Standard want Ken to lose so badly, it’s got to be worth voting for him just to spite them. Recent issues of the Evening Standard are reminiscent of the 1980s Private Eye spoof Daily Mail headline: AIDS THREAT TO LABOUR VOTERS: VOTE TORY AND WIN A MAESTRO. They make Robert Mugabe look like a subtle spin-meister.

All Cornwall is latent and the remoter west

Published
by
blogmywiki
on April 16, 2008
in grief, literature and travel
. 2 Comments

I read this fine passage from E M Forster today, on the train appropriately enough, and wished I’d spotted it in time to add it to my essay on train travel between Paddington and Slough. Somehow it is made even more poignant by the fact that Mark Speight apparently killed himself so close to Paddington station because it reminded him of trips to the West Country with his girlfriend.

Like many others who have lived long in a great capital, she had strong feelings about the various railway termini. They are our gates to the glorious and the unknown. Through them we pass out into adventure and sunshine, to them, alas! we return. In Paddington all Cornwall is latent and the remoter west; down the inclines of Liverpool Street lie fenlands and the illimitable Broads; Scotland is through the pylons of Euston; Wessex behind the poised chaos of Waterloo [...] And he is a chilly Londoner who does not endow his stations with some personality, and extend to them, however shyly, the emotions of fear and love.

Howard’s End, Chapter 2.

Have a Nice Day

Published
by
blogmywiki
on April 14, 2008
in grief
. 4 Comments

This morning in Pret a Manger, as I walked out into the street I noticed that there was a young woman sitting in the corner with a MacBook chatting happilly into her phone. Next to her sat a woman whose face was tortured with grief and sorrow - silently screaming if not actually sobbing.

I wonder if the guy serving wished her a nice day as he did me.

Hey Mickey, You’re So Fine

Published
by
blogmywiki
on April 13, 2008
in music
. 0 Comments

Cannot. Stop. Playing. This.

(’That’s Not My Name’ by The Ting Tings)

From the locker tapes

Published
by
blogmywiki
on April 11, 2008
in music and nostalgia
. 2 Comments

GarageBand and a bottle of red wine have a lot to answer for…