Archive for the 'fiction' Category

Monologue of Evil

Published
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blogmywiki
on July 21, 2010
in fiction, literature and recently read
. 0 Comments

I’m mulling over writing another book - this one will be a proper grown-up book and one of the themes will be Good and Evil and whether they are two sides of the same coin. And then I just accidentally read this:

The Monologue of Evil by Augusto Monterroso

One day, Evil found himself face-to-face with Good and was on the point of eating him up to put an end to their ridiculous dispute once and for all. But when he saw him looking so tiny, Evil thought:

“This can only be a trap. If I now eat up Good when he looks so weak, people will think that I did evil, and the shame will make me cringe and shrink so much that Good will not waste the chance to eat me up, with the difference that then people will think that he did good. For it is difficult to free them from their preconception that what Evil does is evil, and what Good does is good.”

And so it was that Good got off scot-free yet again.

That Apple Presser in Full

Published
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blogmywiki
on July 16, 2010
in Apple, MacOS X, computers, fiction and iPhone
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Today Steve Jobs shocked the world by making some unexpected apologies at a press conference in Cupertino, CA.

He announced to a stunned press pack, “I am sorry. We lost our way.”

As reporters dropped their iPhones in shock, he continued, “We made too much money and became too complacent and arrogant. Too many of our employees behaved like Comic Shop Guy out of The Simpsons. Too many of our products contained design flaws which we denied until the bitter end. This will change.”

“For too long I pursued a petty feud against Adobe, forgetting that without Adobe, the Macintosh would never have been a success even in its niche design markets. Today we are allowing Flash on iOS. We are launching low-spec, low-cost versions of the MacMini and MacBook, and we are cutting the cost of the iPad. We’d like to apologise to everyone whose iTunes accounts were compromised. And we promise to answer the phone when you ring us up.”

“One more thing,” he added after a pause.

“We will allow any track on an iPhone to be used as a ring tone or SMS message alert.”

Ok, ok, I made this all up. That last one is utterly ridiculous.

.

Recently read

Published
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blogmywiki
on May 30, 2010
in fiction, literature and recently read
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I only ever meant my ‘Recently Read’ sidebar to have three books in it at any given time, but after a while I found myself reluctant to delete them as I liked having a record of my reading. I probably should have started a reading blog, but purely for my own benefit, here’s a dump of the books I’ve read over the last 18 months or so:

Caedmon’s Song by Peter Robinson. Picked up for a, ahem, song in Oxfam but oddly disappointing. Plus partly set in a village near where I grew up and the place descriptions don’t feel right to me.

The Slaves of Solitude by Patrick Hamilton. Patrick Hamilton is the man.
Before the Frost by Henning Mankell.
Miss Dahl’s Voluptuous Delights by Sophie Dahl. How could you not love a cookery book whose first proper section starts “We begin in the autumn because that’s when everything changed. Autumn is a season I love more than any other; for its smoky sense of purpose and half-lit mornings, its bonfires, baked potatoes, nostalgia, chesnuts and Catherine wheels.” On the other hand a (female) friend of mine points out that the only people who like Sophie are men. She also describes Sophie as a ’simpering blonde’. Like that’s a bad thing…
The Pyramid by Henning Mankell.
Before I Die by Jenny Downham. I wasn’t going to cry. Right up to the bottom of the last page. Then I read the last line and I cried and cried.
The Fifth Woman by Henning Mankell. Much more complex than the TV adaptation.
Every Atom Belonging by Dan McKinnis - on Authonomy. Unfinished but I love it.
JPod by Douglas Coupland. Edgy. Or do I mean ASCII 101,100,103,121? Worthy sequel to Microserfs.
Sidetracked by Henning Mankell
Twenty Thousand Streets Under the Sky by Patrick Hamilton. So wonderful. London between the wars through the eyes of three very different characters who meet in a pub called The Midnight Bell.
The Ballad of Peckham Rye by Muriel Spark. Diabolical. By which I mean: pertaining to the devil.
The Ill-Made Knight by T H White. Superb.
The Witch in the Wood by T H White. Just marking time - for me and the author I think - until we get to the real deal - the Ill-Made Knight.
Twilight in Eden by David Budd. A wonderful, surprising book. Just wish he’d change the title - but I’m working on that.
The Weirdstone of Brisingamen by Alan Garner. In boot fairs and school fairs I am rebuilding the Alan Garner boxed set lost from my childhood. Trouble was - I just didn’t like this. Not a patch on The Owl Service or Red Shift. Will try Elidor next.
Hangover Square by Patrick Hamilton. So good. So, so good. Thums up. 10/10.
Never Let Me Go by Kazuo Ishiguro. Warming to this very much as I go… dead sinister subtext but deceptively simply told.
Killing Me Softly by Nicci French. Good, but would she, would she have gone off with him like that?!
The Sword in the Stone by T H White - without this there would have been no Harry Potter. Taking me even longer to read… too heavy to read on the train as it’s part of the whole Once And Future King sequence in one volume.
The Ipcress File by Len Deighton - love the writing, the style, the tone. Took me ages to read, though. Very different to the film.
Gemma Bovery by Posy Simmonds. Just perfect, even if I’m not sure about the punchline. But then you need something to smile about at the end.
Bye Bye Birdie by Shirley Hughes - a graphic novel for grown ups by a great children’s illustrator
Tamara Drewe by Posy Simmonds - oh Tamara Drewe, how do I love thee, let me count the ways… always loved Posy Simmonds since The Silent Three strip back in The Guardian but this is on another level. A work of genius, a truly great graphic novel.
Les Belles Images by Simone de Beauvoir
The Riddle of the Sands by Erskine Childers
A Necessary End by Peter Robinson
A Dedicated Man by Peter Robinson
The Body on the Beach by Simon Brett
Bitter Medicine by Sarah Paretsky
The Wolves of Willoughby Chase by Joan Aiken
Aftermath by Peter Robinson - one of the best of the half dozen or so Inspector Banks novels I’ve read
Raking the Ashes by Anne Fine
Gallows View by Peter Robinson
The Tulip Touch by Anne Fine
The Man Who Smiled by Henning Mankell
Watchmen by Alan Moore and Dave Gibbons

The Complete Peanuts 1955-6 by Charles M Schultz
A Song of Stone by Iain Banks - oh soddit I’m giving up on this on page 77. Over-written. Annoying. I really only like 2 Iain Banks books: ‘The Crow Road’ and ‘Complicity’.
The Hanging Garden by Ian Rankin
Death is not the End by Ian Rankin
Craven House by Patrick Hamilton (wonderful, beautifully written and observed, much funnier than I was expecting but this is an early work before he got bitter)
Canal Dreams by Iain Banks (the trouble with this is that other people’s dreams are never that interesting… I ended up skipping the dreams just to get to the end. Just read that Banks thinks it’s his worst book and I can see why.)
Let it Bleed by Ian Rankin
The Eyre Affair by Jasper Fforde (some great ideas but not quite sufficiently well-executed - unlike the characters from Jane Eyre, Mr Fforde’s own characters fail to spring to life)

Don’t forget to be awesome!

Published
by
blogmywiki
on March 3, 2010
in fiction and literature
. 2 Comments

Photo on 2010-03-03 at 20.05 Photo on 2010-03-03 at 20.06

I forgot to put my book in my bag today, and so bought a new copy of Before I Die by Jenny Downham in Waterstones on my way in to work.

Inside it there was a handmade, hand-written Valentines card - four felt red hearts and the inscription “to you, Happy Valentines Day, Don’t Forget To Be Awesome! Lots of love!”. Which was a bit odd. How did it get there? Does every copy of this book have this card in? Which teenage girl am I depriving of her card? And how much trouble could this have caused?

Hangover Square

Published
by
blogmywiki
on November 5, 2009
in fiction and literature
. 2 Comments

Just started reading Hangover Square by Patrick Hamilton this morning. It’s a much darker, more modern book than Craven House. So far, it’s wonderful. I stopped reading it on the train when I got to what I thought was an unimprovably good sentence:

Then he remembered, without any difficulty, what it was he had to do: he had to kill Netta Longdon.

Then on the way home I found that the sentence that followed was even better:

He was going to kill her, and then he was going to Maidenhead, where he would be happy.

In watermelon sugar the deeds were done…

Published
by
blogmywiki
on May 21, 2008
in BBC, fiction, literature, nostalgia and radio
. 2 Comments

Richard BrautiganJust took my Richard Brautigan anthology off the shelf and it looks like I haven’t read it in a while.

The bookmark is one of the strips of paper BBC World Service studio managers used to write their shifts down on.

On this day I did shift A4 which consisted of the following:

  • 1700-1730 Thai PO Box recording in S14
  • 1730 in S35 for a Somali transmission, on air at 1800. Jonathan Haine was panelling
  • 1930 in C33 for a Ukranian transmission on air at 2000. Tania Garner was the panel SM.
  • 2045-2315 in the Newsroom. So, no change there, then.

On the back of the sheet I had written the words ‘Surplus Affection’. Mmm.

The Tree that Couldn’t Grow Leaves

Published
by
blogmywiki
on May 13, 2008
in fiction
. 2 Comments

(another short story, I’m afraid… look away)

Winterlong the tall tree stood shoulder-to-shoulder with all the other trees beside the busy road that snaked through the forest. The tree spent the short days watching the ebb and flow of the traffic, wondering why and where all the people were going in their cars. As more cars appeared on the roads he felt his branches tingling more and more.

Spring came and as the sap rose in the other trees the forest grew noisier as the wind rustled the leaves that started growing on the other trees. But none grew on the tallest tree.

He started to grow sad, standing apart a little from the other trees. The other trees looked so beautiful with their fine greenery, and as the wind blew through the forest it seemed as if all the other trees were talking about him.

One day a bright red fox was exploring the forest and noticed that the tallest tree looked sad, his branches drooping.

“Hey, tallest tree!” she called.

The tallest tree looked around, hardly daring to believe that the fox was talking to him.

“Me?” he mumbled.

“Yes - you! What’s wrong? Why are your branches drooping?’ asked the fox.

“All the other trees have beautiful leaves and I have none.”

“So… you’re different from the other trees?”

“Yes.”

“But you must be here for a reason.”

“Really?” asked the tree, “Why are you here, fox?”

“I empty the bins” replied the fox.

“Oh. I don’t do that. I don’t do anything, except watch the sun rise and set and the moon wax and wane…”

“That’s something. Don’t you notice anything else?”

“My branches tingle sometimes. More in the day”.

“Listen to the tingles!” laughed the fox and she ran off deeper into the forest.

“Come back!” cried the tallest tree but she had left him all alone.

The sky lightened as the sun rose and the tallest tree watched the cars grow in number. The tingling in his branches got stronger and he remembered what the fox had said. He closed his ears, emptied his mind and listened to the tingling. And now he could hear the voices, so many voices and messages pulsing through his veins, words of anger, words of joy and words of love.

An Imagined Affair - Part 3

Published
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blogmywiki
on May 2, 2008
in fiction
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PART THREE OF THREE

Back in the cheap cafe.

KEVIN: Hello. You’re late.
MARTIN: Yes. Sorry. Very hard to get way some times. The editor is doing his nut for the summer issue, there’s a special pull-out section on…
KEVIN: But we’re not here to talk about work, are we?
MARTIN: No. I suppose not.
KEVIN: So, how was Cornwall?
MARTIN: Okay…
KEVIN: (pause) Has something happened?
MARTIN: Um. I don’t know how to tell you this…
KEVIN: What?
MARTIN: I’m having an affair.
KEVIN: With Constance. Yes.
MARTIN: No a real affair. With someone at work. She’s a graphic designer…
KEVIN: No… no….
MARTIN: Don’t get me wrong - you were very good. I was excited. I did enjoy the imaginary affair.
KEVIN: But why..? Oh this is a disaster…
MARTIN: It’s just that it seemed like hard work.
KEVIN: What?
MARTIN: Hard work. I decided that it was probably as much hard work pretending to have an affair as having a real affair. Only something was missing.
KEVIN: (hurt) What?
MARTIN: Frankly — the sex.
KEVIN: Oh.
MARTIN: You see for years now friends and colleagues have been warning me about affairs - not to have one, it’s not worth the aggro, the grief…
KEVIN: They’re right. That’s why…
MARTIN: Let me finish. Invariably these people do know what they’re talking about. They’ve had affairs. And it strikes me that they’ve had a lot of sex as well, a lot of sex with a lot of different women. And I haven’t. And I decided to do something about that.
KEVIN: I see.
MARTIN: So I’m afraid this is it. Goodbye. (getting up). It’s over.

MARTIN walks off leaving KEVIN alone.

KEVIN: (alone, quietly) You bastard.

An Imagined Affair - Part 2

Published
by
blogmywiki
on May 1, 2008
in fiction
. 0 Comments

PART TWO

A week later. Interior, fairly posh restaurant. Kevin is sitting alone at a table talking quietly into his mobile phone.

KEVIN: …no, well I have to say it went very well. I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised by the results… oh you have? I’m so pleased. No, I’m sure he has no idea… ah, must go. Indeed. Bye.
MARTIN: (arriving) Hello again - not interrupting anything?
KEVIN: No, sorry - another client. Nice place, this.
MARTIN: Felt like splashing out.
KEVIN: So how’s it been?
MARTIN: Um. I don’t know how to put this…
KEVIN: You’re the wordsmith…
MARTIN: Amazing. I mean, for one thing - in the words of Kylie Minogue - I can’t get her out of my head.
KEVIN: Excellent.
MARTIN: I mean, well, it’s just… taken hold…
KEVIN: And has anything happened?
MARTIN: Since we met? Is this how it works?
KEVIN: Yes, you tell me what’s been going on. In your head.
MARTIN: It’s… amazing. Every song I hear is written for me - they’re singing to me and me alone. I haven’t felt like this since I was a teenager. And the sex… can I tell you about the sex?
KEVIN: If you like. (whispering) But do bear in mind where we are…
MARTIN: We started messaging each other - posting messages on her blog and commenting on her photos online. That kind of thing. Then she invited me round for another private view…
KEVIN: (knowing where this is going) Oh aye…
MARTIN: …and there was no-one else there. Just her.
KEVIN: And you slept together?
MARTIN: Yes. The sex… okay I’m not going to embarrass you…
KEVIN: Trust me, that’s quite hard…
MARTIN: It was just so… fantastic. I’ve never felt so alive. Does that make any sense?
KEVIN: Yes. It does.
MARTIN: I just wish I could spend more time with her…
KEVIN: You can - in your head, you need to compress longer moments into your… reveries, I like to call them.
MARTIN: Yes?
KEVIN: You should get away… a business trip perhaps. A magazine shoot…
MARTIN: In Cornwall… yes, tragically she could be the only photographer available at short notice…
KEVIN: There we go… I want you - in any snatched moment you may have - to think about what you and Constance are doing, away… in Cornwall…
MARTIN: Yes. I’ll do that.
KEVIN: And I trust your satisfied with the service, so far.
MARTIN: Oh yes. I’m… happier. I do feel more interesting. I swear some of my colleagues actually think I am having an affair…
KEVIN: I am pleased.
MARTIN: It’s hard work, though.
KEVIN: Mmm?
MARTIN: Thinking about the same person 24 hours a day. I’ve hardly slept…
KEVIN: But you feel good?
MARTIN: Yes. Fantastic.
KEVIN: Some of my clients even find it helps them lose weight, they lose interest in alcohol…
MARTIN: Yes! I usually drink half a bottle of wine every night - not touched a drop all week…
KEVIN: Indeed - some of my clients also find that their consumption of… pornography declines as well.
MARTIN: No comment.
KEVIN: Aha!
MARTIN: Yes. Well. Anyway, I really am most impressed.
KEVIN: Time to stop now. Eat up. And think of Cornwall…

An Imagined Affair - Part 1

Published
by
blogmywiki
on April 30, 2008
in fiction
. 2 Comments

(A SKETCH IN THREE PARTS)

Kevin is an out-of-work actor, Martin works in publishing. They are both in their late 30s.

PART ONE
Interior, cheap London cafe.

MARTIN: Hello? Er, are you Kevin?
KEVIN: Yes, that’s me. Always try to be early, put my clients at rest.
MARTIN: (sitting down) Good. So… how does this work?
KEVIN: We have lunch…
MARTIN: …and?
KEVIN: Well, as you’ll know from our advert, at Safe Encounters we provide a service. A service to all kinds of people, men and women, but usually married people - you are married?
MARTIN: Yes, eight years.
KEVIN: Good. As I say, a service. We offer you all the excitement and intrigue of… (whispers) having an affair - (louder) without actually having it.
MARTIN: (unsure)…okay…
KEVIN: You’ll be surprised. Just try this for one day, spend a quick lunch here with me, and I guarantee you’ll sign up for the whole course.
MARTIN: …or my money back?
KEVIN: Yes!
MARTIN: Hmm. No offence, but I’m a straight bloke. How am I going to get excited about meeting you for lunch once a week? Can’t you send an attractive young lady - can’t I pretend to have an affair with her?
KEVIN: Lord, no. I’m afraid - no offence - you’re missing the point rather.
MARTIN: Oh. Am I?
KEVIN: Yes. This is a zero-risk operation.
MARTIN: Eh?
KEVIN: Have you ever had an affair?
MARTIN: (wistfully) No. Never even snogged anyone at the Christmas party.
KEVIN: Well then you can’t begin to imagine the pain, the hurt - do you have children?
MARTIN: Yes, two…
KEVIN: Well you’d be insane to put that at risk. Insane. Zero-risk is the only way to go…
MARTIN: But as I say, if you were female…
KEVIN: Not possible. If any friends or colleagues saw you with a woman - not your wife - they’d assume you were having an affair. If your wife found out, even just about lunch, she’d have some awkward questions for you… at Safe Encounters we carefully match clients with facilitators - we match for age and gender - anyone seeing you with me will assume I’m a business associate or and old school or university friend.
MARTIN: Ok. So how do I get my kicks, then? (suddenly embarrassed) Not to put too fine a point on it.
KEVIN: We’ll construct an affair. You choose a name for your object of desire, and as all Safe Encounters staff are trained actors or writers, we’ll flesh it out, we’ll work together - you’re a writer?
MARTIN: Journalist. Trade rags mostly…
KEVIN: Perfect. I’m an actor. We’ll work together to create a hyper-real fantasy that you’ll take away with you. It will stay with you long after you leave this table.
MARTIN: I don’t know…
KEVIN: The benefits will be enormous. Many of our clients find that they have improved self-esteem. They become more confident, even more interesting to their friends, colleagues and even partners. (leaning in) More attractive, even…
MARTIN: I’ll give it a go…
KEVIN: Good. We need a name. Always start with the name…
MARTIN: Can’t we start with the shoes?
KEVIN: Eh?
MARTIN: (without hesitation) Constance. Constance Breakwater.
KEVIN: What?
MARTIN: Constance Breakwater.
KEVIN: Okay, odd name, but that’s fine, it’s your movie - just one thing I need to check - she’s not a real person, is she? It’s vitally important that you don’t base your fantasy on anyone real, just in case…
MARTIN: No, she’s not real. Not with a name like that.
KEVIN: Good. I had a client once… well, never mind. So, this Constance Breakwater. Tell me about her.
MARTIN: She’s a graphic designer. No, too close to home. She’s a photographer. From Cornwall.
KEVIN: Good. What does she look like, how old..?
MARTIN: 23.
KEVIN: Oooh, okay, bit young, but I’ll let you get away with that. Just…
MARTIN: If I say ‘leggy blonde’ that’s too obvious I suppose.
KEVIN: A bit. It works better if you keep some grip on… reality…
MARTIN: No, you’re right I’d never get a leggy blonde… okay, she’s… redhead. Gamine. Can I have gamine?
KEVIN: I’m not entirely sure…
MARTIN: …you know what that means?
KEVIN: Er, frankly no.
MARTIN: Hang on, I’ll look it up on my laptop - pretend we’re discussing that PowerPoint presentation we need to get finished by Friday…
KEVIN: Heh heh, good one.
MARTIN: (tapping keys) - Here we go… ‘a girl with mischievous or boyish charm’.
KEVIN: Ok, I like that.
MARTIN (wistfully): So do I.
KEVIN: Excellent… so how did you meet?
MARTIN: Work?
KEVIN: Ok. That’s fine - as this is just a fantasy.
MARTIN: Yes. Just a fantasy. (swallowing food) Wouldn’t do this in real life, of course… in fact my father-in-law once told me - in a drunken moment - that you should never have an affair with anyone you work with or anyone who has less to lose than you do.
KEVIN: Wise man, your father-in-law.
MARTIN: Quite. Rather generous advice seeing as I was about to marry his only daughter.
KEVIN: You and Constance…
MARTIN: Met through work, she was in for a shoot… I vaguely knew her… artier work from an exhibition, got talking… she invited me to a private view of her next show.
KEVIN: Good… and you went along?
MARTIN: Yes. Summer evening. Drank a bit too much warm white wine on an empty stomach, stayed on until the end…
KEVIN: And one thing led to another?
MARTIN: What do you take me for? Not that night… just a… clinch.
KEVIN: Very good, see you’re getting into this already.
MARTIN: I was tempted, so very tempted. But confused. And clearly a bit too drunk so - kicking myself - I left her alone in her gallery and went home.
KEVIN: Full of regret?
MARTIN: Yes - couldn’t stop thinking about her, though…
KEVIN: Good. I think - forgive me - that this is a good place to pause.
MARTIN: Oh.
KEVIN: Trust me.
MARTIN: (sarcastic) ‘You’re an actor’.
KEVIN: Take this away with you - I want you to think about her, about your - ‘clinch’ was it?
MARTIN: Yes.
KEVIN: Good word, that.
MARTIN: I know. It’s my job.
KEVIN: Think about her, how sweet her lips tasted, this forbidden fruit… and I’ll see you next week.
MARTIN: (distant) yes… next week… okay… (pause) One more thing.
KEVIN: Yes?
MARTIN: …about the name. ‘Safe Encounters’
KEVIN: Yes?
MARTIN: Bit gay. No offence…